Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
