My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize