Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
