Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
