Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
