My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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