Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
