....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
