fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dignity is for republicans.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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