do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My life is pants optional.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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