we have pet lesbian snakes
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
