Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
