All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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