You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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