that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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