i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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