after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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