You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
