How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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