I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
