apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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