taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
