she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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