woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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