I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
