Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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