This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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