bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
