If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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