haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
