I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
