It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
