uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize