I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
