ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
