i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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