don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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