Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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