Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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