i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
