If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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