Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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