M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
