A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
