This is not my ceiling
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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