you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
