Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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