I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
