i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
