dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
