I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
