She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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