those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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