so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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