I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
