What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
