That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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