I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
