I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Sext me about skeletons
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
