I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize