: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
