Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
