If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
