Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
