Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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