Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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