Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
