So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
