My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
