At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
