Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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