Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
