Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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